june in paris

2005-05-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

Right then, I'm off to Paris.
Be good, don't tease the dog, lights out at half nine and don't answer the door to any strange wolves.

A bientôt!

Are you impressed? Huh? Huh? Are ya? I wouldn't be, if I were you, honestly.

My knowledge of French is almost entirely limited to:

1) bilingual bottles of ketchup (Catsup tomate!) and emergency exit signs (sortie d'emergence!) - the product of a visual memory and a college education

2) the everyday exploits of the simple folk of La Rochelle - Chantal, Marie-France, Jean-Paul, Hugo and the rest - as recounted in horrifying detail in the Tricolor series of French language books which we used in school.

The simple fact is, despite being able to read and understand French quite adequately, as soon as I open my mouth, the intended phrase comes out in Spanish, German, Hungarian, Papiamentu, Quechua, Portuguese or in fact any other language that I have a vague grasp of.

Hungarian is a classic example. I've been there once, for three weeks, ten years ago. I only actually know three phrases in Hungarian:
- "Kette nagy sör, kérem - two large beers, please,"
- "Egy sajtos szendvics, köszönöm - a cheese sandwich, please,"
and something that a guy in a restaurant kept shouting at me as he drooled into
a) my beer and b) my cleavage
- "Puszil! Puszil! - Kiss! Kiss!" - it sounds a bit different in Hungarian - more like pussy, pussy.

Interestingly, cheese (sajt) is actually pronounced "shite" - so a cheese sandwich becomes a "shite sendvich", a cheese burger is a "shiteburger" and so on.
Is it any wonder I managed to remember that particular word when the essential phrases "excuse me, can you let me know whether that white stuff on the table is soft cheese or smoked lard before I slather it on my bread?" and "Actually madam, I'm not a Jehovah's witness, though I can tell you are by the way you're waving pamphlets at me" somehow eluded me.

Anyway, I only know three phrases in Hungarian, compared to years of French education, and yet those three phrases trip to my tongue more readily than any other when it's time to ask for la cue.......l'addition. See what I did there? I nearly asked for la cuenta.

Thank goodness for the universal gesture for "bill". Waving my arms about I can do in any language....